Another Cyclist Confesses to Using Drugs

Recently, I have been doing some smarter training.  Trying to periodize, I am training hard and resting hard – at least on a semi-macro scale.   It seems to be working.  My bike’s power-meter keeps measuring an ever-increasing threshold power.

So Wednesday morning, I am on my daily, way-too-early-in-the-morning commute to work.   Mother Nature is not happy.  The air is cold, and the wind is blowing.  Gusts of wind are arching the trees. 

The wind doesn’t affect me though.  I am riding full-force into the wind balking at Mother Nature.  “Is that the best you got?!”  I come to realize that it’s not the wind that is causing the trees to bend, but my superior riding skills.  They are bowing to me as if to acknowledge my training is paying off and I have reached cycling demi-god status.    One tree though wasn’t content with my arrogance.  Instead of letting me ride peacefully by, it decides to drop a limb in the road. The limb clips my wheel, and down I go.  I’ve been dis’ed.

Anyone who has seen me crash knows like a weeble, I pop back up.  Within seconds I am back on the bike and ready to go.  No so today.  I tried to get back up, but my body wasn’t moving.   I could hear myself groan.  I remember thinking, “OK, I am just getting old.  I’ll rest a minute, and then get up.  No rush.” 

When I finally stood up, I felt a sharp pain in my left shoulder.  Holy $%!T!  I better not have broken a bone.  I have broken a bone before, and the incessant pain is not something that me, or my wife, want to go through again.  You see, I turn into a total ass.  Imagine a guy having PMS 24x7 for 4-6 weeks.  That’s me.  Ironically, I am hoping that a tree branch has been driven through my shoulder.  Give me a stake in the shoulder over a broken collarbone any day!  I reach over feeling for blood.  None.  This is not good. 

Off to Emergency I go.  Yup, it’s broke.  The doctor gave me a cocktail of Vicodin (codeine) and ibuprofen.  It still friggin’ hurts.  Is codeine a banned substance??  Probably.

The last few days have been a roller-coaster for me.   I’ve been spending my time mostly whining and feeling sorry for myself.  In between these episodes, I have been trying figure out how to maintain some fitness during my ‘vacation.’  My head tells me that in the grand scheme of things a broken collar bone is not a big deal.  I do not know why my heart is telling me that it matters.  Maybe it’s the fear of losing fitness, maybe it’s the fear of changing my daily routine, or maybe it’s the fear of having to ride a trainer.

    

Why do I ride anyway?

So let me ask, what is the point of this?  Everyday I get on my bike and turn the pedals 10 thousand times.  I spend 12-15 hours a week, and countless $$, and for what?  Well, let’s assess the three reasons I can think of.

For my health.  I am told that if exercise “at least three 20-minute bouts of continuous aerobic [bla, bla, bla],” then I will be healthy and stave off the imfamous killer heart attack.  When I ride I do way more than that, so I should be SUPER-healthy.  Unfortunately, I ride in traffic!   But for my helmet, I should be dead.  Twice. 

Is cycling in traffic healthier than a heart attack?  Hard to say.  I know many more cyclists that have died cycling, than people that have died of heart attacks.  Shoot, I even heard of a two occasions where guys died of heart attacks while cycling!   I say it’s healthier sitting on the couch eating two bags of Orville Reden-butter’s, than getting run over.

So I can race.  That’s it.  Nothing gets me going like waking up at 4 in the morning, driving two hours, sitting on the nastiest port-o-pottie on the freaking planet,  and then paying some guy $30 so I can go get the crap beat outta me for the next three hours!  OK, so maybe racing ain’t the reason.  

Because it is what I do.  When I dream, it is usually about riding.  When I have nightmares, it is usually about riding.  When I wake up in the morning, two things come to my mind: coffee and riding.  Ok, first it’s, “I gotta pee,” then it’s the others.  After ten years of riding nearly every day, I think it just a habit of mine.  I guess I don’t like change, I just don’t know any better, or the endorphins cloud my mind enough that for two hours I get to forget all my problems and just focus in on how good I feel.   

Are you a cycling a-hole, or are you just dangerous?

Recently, I had the opportunity to ride with a bunch of absolute a-holes.  When I expressed my feelings to our team mailing list, there was concern that I was broad-brushing entire groups of people as ‘dangerous,’ while ignoring the fact that each person is an individual.  This got me to thinking…

Why would someone think I was implying 'dangerous,' when I did not use the word?  Can you be an a-hole without being dangerous and conversely, can you be dangerous without being an a-hole?  In my mind, the difference is in attitude.  To explain this, and to help us all come up with a common set of definitions, I decided to develop the a-hole test.  This way each person can find out if they are indeed an a-hole, fix themselves, and start anew. 

To take the test, answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to each of these questions:

1. While riding in a pack, do you swerve to avoid hitting Botts Dots, thus avoiding a potential flat tire and hence a dangerous situation?
2. While riding in a pack, do you look to you left to indicate to the riders around you that you are moving left, and then proceed to move over?
3. While riding in a two row paceline, instead of riding directly behind the rider in front of you, do you take advantage of even more energy savings by drafting between the two riders in front of you?
4. If you are 20 miles from the race finish and someone is moving in front of you (effectively stealing your place in line), do you maintain your position by holding your line and forcing them to initiate the dangerous situation?
5. In a fast Criterium, when the pace finally slows enough that you can start to think, do you float up to the faster riders at the front to position yourself for the final sprint.
6. In any race, do you try to maintain your position near the front, but brake to avoid being at the front?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of the questions, then you likely care more about your position in the field, than you do the safety of others.  You therefore are officially an a-hole. 

Bonus: If you took the test and didn’t understand why your ‘Yes’ answer was indicative of inappropriate behavior, then you may not be an a-hole.  You may be just dangerous.  Congratulations.